Keeping a secret that defines you, that has shaped your life for nearly three years now and is sure to shape the rest, a secret that you go to sleep with every night and wake to every morning is sometimes hard to keep trapped inside.
I could probably go my entire life without revealing the sad truth that I was raped, but to stay silent is to allow individuals who prey upon the innocent to flourish.
Exactly one day after photographing Airmen proudly marching through the streets of a city receiving joyous responses and unanimous support for their sacrifice of service to the United States of America, I was sexually assaulted by a male Airman.
That secret is one that took me nearly a year to even reveal to my mother and I have yet to reveal to the majority of my family or friends. The Airmen I serve alongside every day have no idea that I’m a victim of sexual assault, until now.
Some people may wonder why I would reveal my story in such a public forum, and the truth is I hope this story reaches a person, a son, a friend or even an Airman who has been sexually assaulted and it allows them some peace in knowing they are not alone, no matter how dark their day may seem.
In my case, I reported my assault within a matter of days because I knew if I buried the truth it would overcome me, and the result would be fatal. I initially filed a restricted report, but once I gained strength and understanding of my situation I then filed an unrestricted report.
After being sexually assaulted, many victims, including myself, are very confused about the situation and blame themselves for what happened. Large amounts of alcohol, isolation and subduing played a huge factor in my sexual assault. You can imagine waking to this reality the next morning as if it were a nightmare, but this nightmare was real and would continue to play over and over again in my head for months following the assault.
Filing an unrestricted report opened me up to a world of revictimization. The Office of Special Investigations called me within hours of receiving my unrestricted report to conduct an interview. The interview consisted of me recounting my sexual assault down to the minutest detail. I understood the interview must be done to gather evidence to potentially bring the perpetrator to justice, but no matter how many people warned me of that interview I could never have been prepared.
I am not discouraging victims from filing an unrestricted report, but they shouldn’t walk in blindly. Reliving one’s experience is painful. Yet, by involving law enforcement, you just might prevent another sexual assault.
The effects of my sexual assault, filing an unrestricted report and knowing the perpetrator was still at the base I lived on started to pour into my work. Less than six months before my assault, I was chosen by my office to sit in front of the Below the Zone board with the intent to achieve the rank of senior airman well before others because of my dedication to service and my craft. You can imagine how strange it may seem to leadership that an Airman who was considered one of the best in an office could all of a sudden change.
There was a large amount of misunderstanding between me and my office. I was not willing to reveal my situation to them and in return it left them with little knowledge of why I was not performing as well, coming in late and almost not there, in a sense, even when I was. I struggled to find sleep every night and even when I did, I would wake hourly from a dream relating to my sexual assault. When I would try to do my job my mind was always replaying the incident over and over again. I became isolated and constantly worried people knew about my situation, which caused me a great deal of anxiety. I cannot lie. I did think about suicide for some time, but it never came to that thankfully.
One day while photographing the flying squadron at my base, I had what I call a moment of clarity. I spent the majority of the day photographing Airmen fixing engines, marshalling aircraft and everything in between. It wasn’t until I returned to my dorm at night that I realized I had not thought once about my sexual assault or even the struggles in my office. I was free for a day.
That day didn’t last very long though. Once I laid my head down that night, all of it came roaring back into my brain. A short amount of relief, but still it was a silence I had not heard in so long. That night I decided if I wasn’t sure if I wanted to live, but knew I could not take my own life, that I would give myself to the one thing that silenced it all … photography.
I started slow and when I arrived at my new base, thanks to a humanitarian transfer, I still had some hurdles to overcome, but through counseling and a steady diet of photography I was moving forward for the first time in a long time. Even now, years after being sexually assaulted and dealing with being misunderstood, every time I raise the camera up to my right eye I feel peace, I hear nothing and see everything.
Life is definitely different for me now. When I devoted my life to photography nearly three years ago, I wasn’t quite sure what that meant and still don’t, but photography keeps me breathing, keeps me feeling, keeps me alive. I constantly search for the light that brings silence to my pain.
Being a victim of sexual assault is not something that is easily described, but to put it into perspective, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder not only from the assault, but the prolonged exposure to a hostile environment at my base that plagues me to this day. I still struggle to find sleep, struggle to communicate with others, and most of all, I struggle with the idea of sharing my life with another person.
The person who raped me had no regard for how the assault would affect me. The crime he committed has little to do with passion and a lot to do with control, manipulation and taking power away from someone. Through this commentary I hope to regain some of that power and control he stripped from me and give other victims of sexual assault some as well.
Very few men report being sexually assaulted and I believe that is because they fear how society will view them, how they’ll be judged and how they even may be considered less of a man. So I ask everyone who reads this: I am a male and I was sexually assaulted — do you think less of me?